To Place An Obscene Phone Call, Please Press "1"
By Corky
I got an obscene phone call last night. At least it was creative. They're normally pretty lacking in imagination.
Every woman between 18 and 81 knows perverted phone callers are a fact of life. What cracks me up is these kooks usually express themselves in the form of a question, like some Jeopardy contestant gone amok.
Since they catch me by surprise, I'm generally too startled to think of a comeback. The best response, of course, is to hang up. But a well-executed retort can be enormously satisfying. In an effort to plan ahead, I came up with a list of eighteen possible replies.
Next time a weirdo asks if I like to engage in lewd conduct, I'll randomly choose one of the following:
1. Are you doing a survey?
2. Can you hold a minute and I'll check.
3. If you wish to place an obscene phone call, please press "1".
4. This is Dr. Ruth and I urge you to seek counseling.
5. Come again?
6. Yeah, what's it to you?
7. Is that a rhetorical question?
8. No, do you like to cross stitch?
9. You're the third person to ask me that today.
10. Sweetheart, is that you?
11. ET, I told you to stop playing with the phone!
12. At the tone, the time will be....
13. Your three minutes are up! If you wish to continue with your disgusting dialogue, please insert another quarter.
14. My number has been changed. The new number to call is 1-800-PERVERT.
15. No speaka English, señor!
16. I'm not at liberty to say.
17. Why do you ask?
18. I'm glad you called! We're running a special on magazine subscriptions!
I am pleased to offer the foregoing reference as a public service. Feel free to use any of the above. No permission required.
Corky is Lois Corcoran. Her column appears in the Ft. Worth Star Telegram Online and on a free parenting e-zine, The "M" Word.
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