No Pain, No Vain
By Corky

      So I show up for class wearing the latest in fitness gear -- spandex bodysuit, aerobically correct shoes and a sweatband thrown in for good measure. Thus adorned, I committed myself to a lesson in facersize.
      Working out one's face is rather new to me although a lady I saw on TV claims she's done it for years. "I started in my thirties and now I'm a hundred-something," she bragged, flaunting her youthful-looking mug before the camera.
      "Oh c'mon!" I hollered at the infomercial. "That babe ain't a day over twenty-one!" But a parade of before-and-after pictures convinced me otherwise.
      So I looked into this newfangled concept and learned that for two hundred clams, I could attend a workshop that would teach me how to restore my youth. It demonstrates facial calisthenics for all sorts of trouble spots -- gelatin jowls ... a double chin ... even a droopy eyelid that threatens to slam shut without warning. The workshop lasts about six hours or until someone dislocates her jaw, whichever comes first.
      If anyone asked me, I'd have sworn facial building would be a piece of cake. I mean, how hard can it be to do a cheek press? Better than that, no one takes your measurements. No perky instructor carries on a conversation while sustaining an aerobic blur. And no one nags you about reaching that damn target heart rate.
      Boy, was *I* wrong! Facialbuilding tones all of the muscles in the face, and they get just as sore as their southern counterparts. Furthermore, it's messy. Many drills have you jamming your fingers in your mouth, which makes for a drooling workout.
      In order to assess our facial needs, we're asked questions like, Do you have thin skin? I'm glad my husband wasn't there to answer that. And we participants asked our own queries like, "How can I smooth the creases between my brows without a steam iron?"
      Facersize requires considerable coordination. For example, an exercise claiming to shorten your nose calls for pushing up on the tip of it with your index finger while simultaneously pulling your top lip down to your chin. We looked like a roomful of chimps.
      So I may try a different approach. There's a facial building program that actually uses an electrical charge, but I've got a better idea. Next time I spot a thundercloud, maybe I'll jog outside and see what develops.

      Corky is Lois Corcoran. Her column appears in the Ft. Worth Star Telegram Online and on a free parenting e-zine, The "M" Word.
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